Who's your hot Mammajamma?!
by Yurita
Summary: When Tidus tries to put the "smooth moves" on a certain Al Bhed merchant, Kimahri blows his cover.


Disclaimer: Yurita does not own FFX, because if she did, she'd have mucho, mucho pesos. But she doesn't. So there.

****

Who's your hot Mammajamma?!

When Tidus saw the huge airship, his heart skipped a beat. They were finally going to be ridding around in some real high-tech shit! The Al Bhed were ingenious; He liked the way they went about things. They were flashy, intelligent, driven - well, basically everything he wasn't.

But secretly, it wasn't because they were going to be flying in style, as he told everyone else - it was that special certain _someone_ he had first met back in the Thunder Plains.

He ran out of the deck where his fellow guardians were casually talking, through the small corridor where Auron stood, and into a passage way where he first saw Kimahri standing there, arms folded over his chest.

"Hey Kimahri!" he waved, the Ronso ignored him. It was the same old, same old. 

Then, it happened . . .

"How goes the study of our language?" a handsome, tan Al Bhed man by the name of Rin said as he smiled with his pearly white teeth, his blonde hair resting just to his shoulders.

"Great!" Tidus replied trying to play it cool. "Iah whanna makeu hooto stemyu luvu witha oui" he grinned. 

"Your Al Bhed is terrible"

"But it turns you on, doesn't it?" he grinned. 

"Kimahri says that wasn't Al Bhed. Kimahri says Tidus is a stupid FOB. Kimahri tells truth. Ronso never lie." 

Tidus would have given Kimahri a dirty look, but he decided against it because the Ronso would say something blunt and bitchy that would have a high percentage of making him cry, and no, he couldn't cry in front of his love! He had to be a macho macho mannnn. "Sooo . . . what kind of weapons are you selling today?" Tidus tried to make conversation.

"I just got a new load in."

"Oh yeah? I'm a big spender. I'm rich as you probably can tell by my wardrobe. I could easily take people out on expensive dates and what not - I always used to do it, too, back in Zanarkand, well, that was when I wasn't busy being the number one player for the Zanarkand Abes."

Ten minutes later . . .

"I easily surpass my old man. The Jecht Shot is nothing compared to my new move: The Tight Ass Supreme Tackle Shot 5000. Hey . . . are you listening to me?"

"Oh sorry, you wanted to buy something?"

"Give me your most expensive weapon!"

"Baroque Sword, only 999,999,999,999 gil."

Tidus nearly fainted. He'd never heard of that much money before - and he didn't even know how to count past one hundred; Numbers always did give him a brain freeze. So he stood there, his brows furrowed, eyes glazed over. 

"Are . . . you ok?"

"Oh yeah!" He blew it off as nothing. "No prob. I have that much money, of course not ON me, who would be stupid enough to carry nine-nine-nine. Nine-nine-nine. Nine-nine-nine, uh . . . "

"Nine hundred and ninety-nine billion, you mean?"

"Yeahhhhh, and stuff. I'll be right back!"

He never returned.

The Next Day . . .

Tidus ran to the corridor first thing, and there he was. Rin, standing there, ready to sell goods. He was so loyal. It made Tidus feel all warm and tingly inside. He was just so DREAMY.

"Sooo . . . I see you have blonde hair," Tidus tried to make conversation with the Al Bhed. "I do too."

"So I see . . ." Rin replied not knowing if the boy was serious.

"But my hair is _natural_ blonde, with _natural_ highlights. I use Nice N' Easy #5 Blonde Bombshell."

"I thought you said your hair was natural . . ."

"It is!" Tidus said seriously with his one inch brown roots so obviously growing out from his head.

There was a low snicker in the background and Tidus turned to face Kimahri.

"Hey! You're just jealous because I'm apart of the Master Race. Take a look at these baby blues," he pointed to his eyes, "this natural blonde hair, this hot, tanned skin. C'mon "big" boy, c'mon! You wanna start something! I'm right here!" Tidus said getting into fighting stance, making sure his tight ass stuck out so Rin could see those two beautiful Easter hams.

"Kimahri says fuck off."

"Ok" Tidus backed away quickly and turned back to Rin. He laughed nervously. "That Kimahri! Always joking!"

"Do you have money to buy any goods? Yesterday you said you did, but you never returned."

"Oh THAT. Well, these corridors are like, a crazy maze and stuff, like, you know? And I was like OMG! When I got lost and couldn't make it back in time to buy from you." Tidus said.

"So you don't have any money?"

"Oh, I do. Being so rich and popular and all that jazz. I'll be right back with the dough, OH YEAHH!" he said and ran out of the corridor and into the small passage way where Auron was leaning against the airship's cold metal paneling. 

"Hey, Auron! Got any gil? I'm running low."

"Look not to others for answers, this is your journey too."

"Yeah . . . suuure. But, hey! Can I borrow some money?" 

Auron didn't respond. 

"CAN. I. BORROW. SOME. MONEY.?" He said slower and louder, maybe Auron in his old age was a little hard of hearing, he thought.

"After this is over, I will leave Spira."

"Ok, look buddy. If you don't just hand over the God damn CHA-CHING then I'm gonna have to take this fist and ram it up your--"

". . . First guard your emotions, then guard your -"

"OKAAAYYYYYYY. Screw you!" he stormed out of the narrow passage way and into the deck where the rest of the gang was. Suddenly a light bulb went on in Tidus's head.

"I think I got an idea . . . "

Then it quickly exploded.

"No . . . no. I lost it. SHIT!" he screamed aloud.

" . . . did he get too close to Sin's toxic _again_?" Lulu said shaking her head and placing a hand up to her forehead.

"I dunno, ya?" Wakka said in a stroke of brilliance.

"Why do you even bother talking?"

Tidus just had to impress Rin. He had to get money somewhere. Then it hit him. Rikku! She's a thief, it's perfect!

"Hey, Rikku!" he said as he walked over to the young swirly eyed girl. "Can I borrow some money? I'm like, trying to impress this hot guy guyy g- I mean . . . I need it because I'm donating to Home, or something like that . . ." He sounded sincere. He also sounded quite convincing, but was it persuading enough to work on Rikku?

"Cunno! Fhed! Fhed! Al Bhed! Fhed Cunno!" Rikku started spouting in a high pitched shrill voice.

"W-what?"

"Fhed! Cunno! Al Bhed! Fhed! Fhed!"

"Uhhh . . ."

"Rikkkku! Rikku! Rikku! RIKKU."

Cid was starting to get annoyed. "Well ya shut it ov'er there!" he said to Tidus.

Tidus started to sob. He just hated it when people yelled at him!

"RIKKU! FHED! CUNNO! FHED! AL BHED! RIKKKKKKKU!"

"Aww, now ain't that just the cutest thing? Rikku thinks she's a Pokemon." Cid chuckled.

"Lovely, ya" Wakka muttered in annoyance. Cid looked over at him.

"Rikkachu! Use your Special Ability Threaten, NOW!" he pointed at Wakka. Rikku ran over on all fours and grabbed something out of her thigh pouch. It was a parchment of some type. She waved it around.

"It says," Lulu spoke up. "'All Illegal Aliens will be automatically deported to Guadalajara if they do not have a Green Card on hand, BITCH!'"

" . . . **NOOOOOOOOOOO**, ya?" Wakka yelled as he was immobilized with fear.

"Great job, Rikkachu! RETURN" Cid commanded as Rikku hopped back into her nice little cage where she was kept locked up.

"How long does Threaten last, anyway?" Lulu said nonchalantly as she casually walked over to Wakka who was frozen with fear. She slid her hand into his pocket and stole his money and what not. Tidus saw, but the gears in his head didn't turn fast enough to comprehend that LULU WAS GOD DAMN INGENIOUS.

"Now who's gonna give me some money? C'mon Cid, I know you automatically come with Spare Change, don't lie!" Tidus sobbed.

"Shut yo' trap, ya little pussy shithead."

"..." Tidus moped on back over past Auron, who Tidus sworn could have whispered "dumbass" to him. He rounded the corner, to see Kimahri, then Rin.

"Uh, hey Rin!" Tidus said peppily. "I, like, have your money, but just not with me! Don't worry, tomorrow I'll have it!"

"Tidus lies" Kimahri said from behind.

"NO I DON'T!"

"You've come to insult Kimahri? Kimahri tells truth. Ronso never lie."

"Well, neither do airheads, so there!" He shot back, thinking he was so hot, until he realized what he just said. "But anyway, money isn't _everything_ you know . . ."

"Not to worry, I will be here tomorrow." Rin said to the young boy.

The Next Day . . .

Tidus walked around the corner as always. He saw Kimahri first, as always. Kimahri gave him a nasty look, as always. Then . . . he saw his love, Rin, as always.

"Be still my beating heart!" Tidus clutched his chest as he made his way over to Rin.

"Ah, Good Day. How many I help you?"

"Oh, I won't buy anything today, since I already blew all my money yesterday taking Yuna out to an expensive French restaurant under the moonlight."

"Oh, really? That is nice." Rin said. Tidus could tell he was getting jealous, until Kimahri had to burst his bubble.

"Kimahri thinks Denny's doesn't qualify as expensive French restaurant." 

Tidus twitched. Damn that Ronso! 

"Sooo . . .How 'bout those Al Bhed Psyches?" he decided to make small talk with the hot Al Bhed man instead.

"They suck."

"Oh, well, that's 'cause they don't have me on the team!" Tidus gave him an exaggerated wink. Rin didn't get it. He seriously didn't want to, either.

"Well . . . I've come to tell you something . . ."

"Yes?"

"This might be the last time I ever see you . . ."

"Ah, going to attack Sin so soon? Why don't you stock up on some weapons? I'll lower the price, you should go get your money."

"You're still charging?!"

"Why, of course."

"Hey, if we die you go with us!"

"I have confidence in your success. And stop ripping off Wakka's lines."

"Yessir!"

Suddenly Lulu walked down the corridor. "I need a Magical Mog."

"Yes, it's only 12 gil."

Lulu slipped her hand into her chest and pulled out a shitload of money. Tidus's eyes bulged.

"Where did you get so much money?!" He was oh-so terribly confused. As always. "And why are you charging such a cheap price for her weapons?!" He asked Rin.

"I don't know what you're talking about. But here, this should make up for it."

__

Received Remedy x99

"Oh yeahhh! Thanks!" Tidus said happily as he gave a smug look to Lulu.

"Kimahri thinks maybe Remedy will cure Tidus's stupidity. Kimahri tells truth. Ronso never lie."

"Is that why you gave it to me for free?!" Tidus wailed. "I JUST WANT YOUR HOT BODY, RIN! PLEASE, PLEASE YOU HOT MAMMAJAMMA OHHHHHHH" he weeped like a pathetic little bitch.

" . . .disturbing . . ." Lulu said.

"Kimahri thinks Rin should give Tidus Farplane Wind x60 for free. Tidus use it. Tidus self-inflict instant death. Kimahri tells truth. Ronso never lie."

"Very good idea." Rin agreed. And they, Rin, Lulu, and Kimahri all had a hearty laughing spell looking at Tidus weeping on the floor as the airship rode off into the beautiful orange and red sunset.

Yeeeahhhhhh.

DA END.


End file.
